“I'm fine.”
It's the most common lie in our society. So often we are asked how we feel, or how things are going. It is so easy to say that things are “fine” or “good” when that is not the case.
That does not mean that things are always terrible. But life is usually complicated. When we say that were are “fine”, this is more likely to be true:
“Things are going well financially, but my spouse and I had a little bit of an argument this morning, not one of those nasty ones but it has me a little upset, but at least both of our kids are getting good grades, although I think our youngest gets picked on at school and I'm not sure what to do about it, and I'm looking forward to steak tonight but I've fallen behind the housework so I'm dreading how the kitchen will look by the time we are done eating...”
Yeah, it's understandable why we don't want to dump those run-on sentences on everyone who asks how things are going. But usually, this is much more accurate.
And that is also a more accurate reaction when someone asks about your writing. The question could be “How is the manuscript going?” or “How does it feel to be published?” or anything along those lines. The easy answers (“I'm happy”, “It's great”, “It's a dream come true”) often don't capture our true feelings.
More likely, even a successful author wants to say this:
“I love that I'm published and have even started to sell some books, but it does hurt a little that some of my friends have shown no interest in what I wrote, but it was also wonderful to find out that strangers have bought my novel, and it's cool that I've done some promotional events, but my one television appearance was so nerve-wracking, and trying to do a FaceBook video was harder than I thought it would be, but then everyone told me I did great so I guess it was worth it, but all of this is taking time away from the next manuscript, and trying to work on that manuscript sometimes makes me wonder if the books I already published were as good as they should have been, but I just got another five-star review on Amazon...”
Our feelings are too complex to expressed in one grammatically correct sentence. But most of us don't want to say how we really feel. Most authors would love a well-crafted, complex plot. Few of us want to put our complex emotions about our writing on display.
There's two things I think we need to do with these back-and-forth emotions, both as writers and as people.
First, realize that it is fine to have good and bad feelings all at once. Life is not all good or all bad at the same time. Happy about your home life and angry about life at the office? It's completely normal for life to be that way, so feel that way. Happy with your number of sales but still frustrated that the one scene you're working on can't quite come together? Then be happy and frustrated at the same time. Don't dwell on one and pretend the other isn't there.
The second, harder, thing is to express those feelings wisely. With most people, you can be honest that not everything is “fine”, but you don't need to go into specifics:
“I finished my first draft, but it's still going to take a long to time to edit while raising two kids.”
“It's great to be published, although I was not prepared for the marketing part of publishing.”
Most people will appreciate the honesty and the brevity. And most people will understand the writing is hard work – there's a reason why only about one out of two-hundred people who try actually get published – but they also don't want to hear all the details.
But you probably need to share those specifics, both the good and the bad. That chapter you finally finished. The bad review. The day you sold three copies to strangers. The night the computer crashed before you clicked save.
Don't keep it all in. Have a couple of confidants. Your spouse. One of your parents. A best friend. A writing buddy. One or two people who do want to hear the highs and lows, the large and small victories and defeats, the run-on sentences that show how you really feel.
After you let out all the emotions with someone you trust, you can feel better than fine.
Next week: Is writing for the author or the reader?
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